We were so poor that it still hurts to think about it! I was in the military and I still needed part time work on the side to make ends meet. I worked as a security guard weekends when I could and meditated, always meditated. I was getting these wonderful glimpses of truth, illuminations and they seemed so wonderful. I felt they would somehow help us in our daily living but they never did.
I was so consumed in this spiritual compulsion that physical life was not real to me any more and I spent my days like a gollum, a wooden thing with no feelings or desires except to merge into the light. Crowley calls this period living in the city of dust and it certainly was! I felt that I was on the brink of insanity and my intense desire drove me over the edge to the death of the ego.
When I crossed the Great Abyss two things happened. My normal consciousness changed radically to a more cosmic view of things. I was able to see things more clearly than I had ever been able to before and I knew I was way too far out into space. I was a Magister Templi, a Master of Sorrow.
So my life fell apart as it does for all new Magister Templis. My marriage fell apart. I went through bankruptcy, I left the military and went back to Minnesota where I was not able to work for two years and I lost contact with my children.
I sought help. I was obsessed with finding out what was wrong with me and fixing it. I had all this energy in my head and it was slowly moving downward into my repressed emotions. After almost eight years of pent up emotions the dam broke on the day my wife left and took the kids with her.
It was a tragic miracle but emotionally I was twenty years old again. The old wound had opened back up and I was feeling things that I hadn’t felt for twenty years. When we talk about psychotic breaks I never really know what to call this. My OAK secondary personality that I had lived in for so many years reached out and reconnected emotionally to my original personality. It was a healing process, not a damaging one.
I was feeling things and feeling them with a vengence. My connection to Source or the Photon level was bringing vast amounts of new age energy into me and stirring things up. I was being forced to deal with things that were going on inside and barely able to function in the outside world.
My psychologist said my ego was very stable but very plastic because it was changing so rapidly. I began working with the OAK energy ball meditation deliberately trying to bring up trapped emotional energy and releasing it out the crown chakra.
