I tried to walk the faith my parents taught me. I became a Sunday School teacher shortly after I graduated from High School. I was well liked and trusted but inwardly I had my own doubts and they became strong enough that I quit teaching Sunday School. I knew what was expected of me and I simply didn’t believe that way any more. I had a more “symbolic” and “mystical” interpretation of religious matters than ever before.
I was going to Vo-Tech school to be an electrician and doing all the right things that I had been taught. Bolstered by my success I once more asked my girl friend out and was overjoyed when she accepted. We dated perhaps a month and a half. Talk about sparks! I was overwhelmed by the emotions and sexuality that I was experiencing. She was experiencing it too.
In hindsight I remember one visit after we had again broken up. I was talking to her and telling her how I was feeling. Suddenly her eyes seemed to glaze over, her voice became very husky and as if in a trance she moved toward me to embrace me. The sexuality was electric and terrifying. Like a coward I moved away. The moment was broken and never repeated.
I was getting mixed signals. She wanted me and she didn’t want me. I was giving mixed signals, I wanted her and wouldn’t take her. It was confusing and devastating. Anguished and torn I resolved to find out why she refused to see my any more.
I knew it must be something about myself that was not acceptable and without remorse I tore my soul apart examining each part with a microscope. Is this why she didn’t love me? Is this why? As I examined each part of myself I came to accept it. In time I was able to realize that it was not me. She was simply not ready or able to handle the energies and emotional storm that we created when we were together. Things were too intense and she wanted out.
Out of this difficult period I learned the most important lesson in my life about relationships. No matter how much one person wants a relationship it takes two people. If the other person doesn’t want it then it won’t happen.
At the same time my parents were in a crisis of their own with their marriage. Things were falling apart everywhere around me and there was no stability. The cognitive dissonance between the faith of my parents and the new ideas taught in the Rosicrucian monographs was even more painful and I could feel myself starting to split. It was a battle for my soul and I knew what I needed to do but I could not make myself do it.
These three areas of life collapsed at the same time. I remember lying on the floor of the den staring up at the ceiling with the stereo blaring as I tried to lose myself in it. I was paralyzed and couldn’t move. I remained that way for three hours before something snapped inside and I was free.
I should say a part of me was free because I just had a nervous breakdown. I lost my emotional self that night. It refused to age with the rest of me until I was able to reconnect to it some twenty years later. The part of me that moved forward was both a magickal personality and a secondary personality.
Modern psychology does not realize the development of a magickal or secondary personality can be a positive thing. Magickal training has always taught this technique. My new personality was committed to union with God, the mystical path and the truth taught by the Rosicrucian Order AMORC. Led by subconcious guidance I determined that if I didn’t know what was true and right I would try to believe all things and follow the voice of my conscience and the Master Within.. Unknown to me I had stumbled upon one of the most important tenants of chaos theory, “ALL INPUTS ARE VALID”.
