Magnum Life Stresses

Back in Minnesota it was about three months before I heard from her again and of course she was pregnant and wondering what to do. It seemed that there really was nothing to do except get married and that’s what we did.

Now there are mag trauma experiences in life that are so unsettling it takes about seven years to really get over them. I can list some of them, death of a loved one, job loss, new job, moving to a new location. getting married and the birth of a child. Well, no one died but all the rest of them hit both of us hard!

Without health insurance I opted to join the Air Force so we could have needed medical care when we needed it. I was actually in basic training when my first child was born back in Kansas. I got stationed in Phoenix Arizona and believe it or not spent two entire four year enlistments there!

This did not go over very well with her family because her father was a Mennonite minister! yeah, I had landed a preacher’s daughter!

Like most military enlistees I was dirt broke and we had a hard time of it in the big city. There were a few advantages though. There was actually a Rosicrucian Lodge and for the first time I met other Rosicrucians, went to meetings and was given initiations.

The same held true for an affliliate group, the Traditional Martinist Order. I was greatly encouraged in my spiritual pursuits. A strange dynamic of married life helped as well. Somehow the energy dynamic between my wife and I forced her to be the emotional one and forced me to stay in my head. When she got mad I would retreat into my head and she would get even more mad because I would not engage with her.

I like to think that we did learn to love each other in our own ways but it was hard. We were both damaged people with issues and in a hard spot.

In all fairness she believed in me and in my potential. I had great plans and talked a good talk but never seemed to be able to get anywhere. I let her down. Then the twins came!

The Stars and the Moon

“She walked past me from behind and touched my tailbone. I felt an electric spark at her touch and then she was gone.” I woke up. This dream or a variant of it continued to haunt me for the next twenty years. Each year I would have at least one dream contact with my old love, the sexual vampire. After seven years I thought I was over her and was ready to try again. Not a soulmate though. This time I convinced myself that everyone was a soulmate and I should be able to love anyone.

My interests picked up astrology and I grew proficient at casting my own chart and studying it. In those days there were no computers to do the calculations. You had to do them yourself out of the ephemeris. Fascinated I decided to try professional horoscope readings and advertised in Mother Earth News.

I also had the crazy idea that I could take the charts of people and compare them to find out how compatable they were. Part of the idea was that maybe I could find someone as well.

My first and only professional chart reading wrote back. I had promised a forty page handwritten report for $60. It was a mess! Of course this person wanted to now about love relationships and his chart seemed almost cursed. I have never seen a chart that looked so challenged in the relationship area. Doing his chart was creepy. It was too personal and to deep. It was like I was looking into his soul and I didn’t want to do  it. I did a rush 30 page report and sent half his money back.

There was only one other response to my ad and it was a girl. We corresponded together for almost a year and I soon convinced myself that we were astrologically compatable and that I was in love. I started getting my things together for a trip to Kansas. I was giving up on the astrology gig and going to do personalized self-hypnosis tapes just like Dick Sutphen.

My first letter to her resulted in a strange dream where I entered an extremly small astral world or room/living space. This type of dream has repeated over the years until I believe females create small astral nests or homes. Males do not have this ability. I found this one very small and confining. I should have known better. Travelling in the astral I had entered her space through the magickal link of my letter.

Landing in Kansas I found a cockroach infested room to rent with a broken window next to a railroad track. I still remember waking up in the night with the walls shaking and the train whistle blowing and the cockroaches running over the bed.

When I first saw my new love she didn’t look anything like her picture and I found her unattractive. That didn’t stop me of course and at the age of 26 I was no longer a virgin. Her parents were gone on vacation and we spent two weeks at her home and when I went back to Minnesota I had no intention of returning or ever seeing her again. The self-hypnosis bussiness was not working out.

UFO’s and The Threat of Nuclear Holocaust

The eighty’s were the Reagan years and the fear of nuclear holocaust was almost palpable. Many sensitive and psychic people could sense just how close we were to global war and meditated every day for world peace. I was a college student in Germany in 1980 when Reagan got shot. It is a strange feeling to be in a foreign country during an attempted assasination.

It is so easy to take our country for granted and complain about things. We have so much more than other countries do that it is not funny. Freedom of speech is taken for granted but in Germany some things were not talked about openly. I was so impressed and proud to be an American that I later enlisted in the Air Force.

I was in Germany for six months and it was a soul healing experience that I still remember vividly and fondly. It was as if I had come home and my soul and spirit resonated with the people I met there. I had never in my life felt such warmth and attraction or made so many friends. I was not to realize until several years later that my immediate past life was as a German writer that died in 1943. At times I think everyone needs to travel back to the location of past lifetimes to pick up things that they left behind.

I kept up my Rosicrucian studies even in Germany and had them sent to me. I meditated and watched the swimmers in the Danube river on warm spring days. I even got a part time job in a language school teaching English without a visa for a little spending money.

I neglected my studies and went “native”. I was told that the local knew I was not German but thought I might be Austrian or Swiss. I hung out in the bars and socialized. At the end of the six months I knew more German and more about being German than anyone else in my class but my grades didn’t show it.

I had a friend named Gunther that owned a one man printing shop and I would help him at times. One day the class was going to visit the Audi plant. I couldn’t go because Gunther needed some help printing soccer tickets on a Gutemburg press.

After we got done he said, “Let’s go to the Audi plant. They have a copy machine that I’m thinking of buying.”

I put on my blue work smock and we went to the Audi plant and checked in with security. Gunther bought the copy machine and then we walked around to check out the other areas of the plant. We met some engineers from our hotel and stopped to drink beer with them. Workers were allowed to drink beer at the assembly line. Gunther and I were sitting there drinking beer in our smocks when the mayor and our class tour went by. You should have seen the faces of my class mates! I have hundreds of stories like that of my time in Germany.

Back in America I determined to be self-employed as a hypnotherapist. I received the hypnosis training seminar from Dick Sutphen and was fascinated with NLP (Neuro Linguistics Programing). I read everything I could get my hands on.

Metaphysically I was on a roll as well. After burning out the lightweight channels like Ruth Montgomery and Edgar Cayce I went on to the hard core stuff like Jane Roberts-The Seth Material and CAC-Cosmic Awareness Communications. UFO literature is mostly channeled as well and I became familiar with the “RA Material” and others. My mind was expanding to include these alternate realities and it was becoming harder to tell what was real and what was not real.

 

Spiritual Masters and Sexual Vampires

 

I slowly opened my eyes and looked at the lit candle on the table in front of me. From time to time the Rosicrucian monographs had self-initiations and I had just completed one. There was an intense feeling of spiritual energy and light in the room and my eyes were drawn to the left toward the living room.

Halfway between the living room and where I was sitting in the dining room a Master had appeared and was sitting cross legged floating in mid air silently. His aura was very powerful and I felt the approval of a job well done. I kept my eyes on the apparition and slowly walked completely around it. It remained as it was, a hologram image to be viewed from all sides. This image lasted over one half hour before fading away. It never moved or spoke but I could sense the message I was being given.

In the years to come I had other visits from this Master and the entire Hierarchy as well. These visitations stopped after I reached the higher degrees. In retrospect the Master appeared when I needed an external authority. My psychic ability grew weaker in those years of Rosicrucian study because I was seeking outwardly and not inwardly. As I grew in greater contact with the Master Within these contacts became less important. A valid mystery school will help the student connect to their own Master Within. After that happens they step aside as they should. I was on my own.

While my spiritual life was unfolding in dramatic ways my romantic life was not. I could not get over my old girl friend and my spirit was dying. Nothing mattered anymore. It was seven years before I was able to move on. Every few months I would have some type of sexual dream with her in it. Toward the last they were not sexual but relating to sexual or low level energies. I remember a dream in which she walked past me and touched me on the tailbone. There was a strong tingling sensation and energy exchange.

I went to Germany as a college exchange student in 1980 and found healing. I was there for six months and it was one of the high points of my life. It felt like I had come home. At last I felt like I was able to move on with my life. I didn’t realize at the time that I was connecting with a past life I had lived in Nazi Germany. All I knew was that I was greatly empowered and supported. In Germany I was loved and felt like I belonged. I forgot about my old girlfriend.

Years have passed and time has given me a new perspective on things. This girl was a sexual predator and energy vampire. I had suffered from a nervous breakdown and was vulnerable. I had abandoned the sexual and emotional part of my being and she had tapped into it. For the next twenty five years this vampire was draining sexual energy away from me through that connection that had formed when we dated. Even after I no longer dreamed of her she continued to drain energy from me. This is how astral connections work. This connection made any efforts at sexual relationships with other females very difficult. I didn’t send out sexual vibes because I didn’t have any to spare. I was mostly a head tripper.

After twenty five years of personal empowerment I was working my way back down into those energies and began reclaiming them. I became aware of that old connection as a form of psychic attack and severed the connection. Two days later she was in a serious car accident. That is what astral backlash can do. I have no sympathy. Twenty five years is a long time to be drained by an energy vampire. I shudder to think of how many others are experiencing similar attachments and being drained of their vitality. Such a connection once made will stay in place until it is broken.

Crisis and New Beginnings

I tried to walk the faith my parents taught me. I became a Sunday School teacher shortly after I graduated from High School. I was well liked and trusted but inwardly I had my own doubts and they became strong enough that I quit teaching Sunday School. I knew what was expected of me and I simply didn’t believe that way any more. I had a more “symbolic” and “mystical” interpretation of religious matters than ever before.

I was going to Vo-Tech school to be an electrician and doing all the right things that I had been taught. Bolstered by my success I once more asked my girl friend out and was overjoyed when she accepted. We dated perhaps a month and a half. Talk about sparks! I was overwhelmed by the emotions and sexuality that I was experiencing. She was experiencing it too.

In hindsight I remember one visit after we had again broken up. I was talking to her and telling her how I was feeling. Suddenly her eyes seemed to glaze over, her voice became very husky and as if in a trance she moved toward me to embrace me. The sexuality was electric and terrifying. Like a coward I moved away. The moment was broken and never repeated.

I was getting mixed signals. She wanted me and she didn’t want me. I was giving mixed signals, I wanted her and wouldn’t take her. It was confusing and devastating. Anguished and torn I resolved to find out why she refused to see my any more.

I knew it must be something about myself that was not acceptable and without remorse I tore my soul apart examining each part with a microscope. Is this why she didn’t love me? Is this why? As I examined each part of myself I came to accept it. In time I was able to realize that it was not me. She was simply not ready or able to handle the energies and emotional storm that we created when we were together. Things were too intense and she wanted out.

Out of this difficult period I learned the most important lesson in my life about relationships. No matter how much one person wants a relationship it takes two people. If the other person doesn’t want it then it won’t happen.

At the same time my parents were in a crisis of their own with their marriage. Things were falling apart everywhere around me and there was no stability. The cognitive dissonance between the faith of my parents and the new ideas taught in the Rosicrucian monographs was even more painful and I could feel myself starting to split. It was a battle for my soul and I knew what I needed to do but I could not make myself do it.

These three areas of life collapsed at the same time. I remember lying on the floor of the den staring up at the ceiling with the stereo blaring as I tried to lose myself in it. I was paralyzed and couldn’t move. I remained that way for three hours before something snapped inside and I was free.

I should say a part of me was free because I just had a nervous breakdown. I lost my emotional self that night. It refused to age with the rest of me until I was able to reconnect to it some twenty years later. The part of me that moved forward was both a magickal personality and a secondary personality.

Modern psychology does not realize the development of a magickal or secondary personality can be a positive thing. Magickal training has always taught this technique. My new personality was committed to union with God, the mystical path and the truth taught by the Rosicrucian Order AMORC. Led by subconcious guidance I determined that if I didn’t know what was true and right I would try to believe all things and follow the voice of my conscience and the Master Within.. Unknown to me I had stumbled upon one of the most important tenants of chaos theory, “ALL INPUTS ARE VALID”.

Puppy Love and the Rosicrucians

I fell in love in my senior year and dated briefly. It did not last long and I thought I understood why. She was such an angel and I was such a fraud. My self esteem was almost non-existent and I knew I did not deserve someone like her. It was hard but I accepted it and thought that someday I might grow enough to become worthy of someone like her.

At the age of eighteen I joined the Rosicrucian Order AMORC in what was to become one of the most fateful and important decisions of my life. I began receiving weekly monographs of study material and my world exploded as I was exposed to new and frightening ideas for the first time.

Many of these were frightening and at odds with my own religious background. Some of these concepts included the idea that the bible was a symbolic work meant to be taken symbolically and not literally. Another was that the Christ Spirit resided within everyone and spoke through the still small voice of my conscience. They called it “The Master Within”.

I was to defer all things not to external authority but to the “Master Within” that resided in my own heart and would guide me if I would listen.

If that was not enough they also introduced me to the concept of reincarnation and of how we have lived many lifetimes before this one.

I pondered these things in my heart and they sounded true. Gradually as the monographs progressed the cognitive dissonance increased. I was torn between the religion I had been taught and this new spiritual and mystical path that drew me so powerfully.

Mentally things were happening as well and I remember the time when my entire thinking ability and thought processes outgrew my old abilities. It was as if everything in my mind was shrunk onto microfiche. I began thinking in images instead of words and became capable of much more complex concepts. My awareness moved out of the old crowded building that had become too small and moved into one that was frighteningly large and empty. Mentally I was operating in new space.

In Search of a Conscience

“My favorite bible story is the one about Elisha”, I smirked. “Elisha was God’s prophet and wandered in the wilderness preaching the Holy Word. He was a mean old cuss and bald headed. As he neared a town some of the children began following him and taunting him. ‘Baldy! Baldy’ they cried in mockery.

In his righteous anger and indignation he cursed them in the name of the Lord and a she bear came out of the woods and tore over forty of the scamps apart. It’s not nice to make fun of bald headed people.”

I was twelve years old and bored. Confirmation Class was a drag. None of the other kids seemed to know any bible stories at all and I had grown up with so many of them they didn’t mean much to me. I continued munching on some licorice. I had stolen the money from the offering box to buy the candy and was eating it in class. Obviously my conscience hadn’t kicked in yet. Nothing was bothering me.

If I was being kind of two faced, I felt the minister was as well. We weren’t getting the entire stories. He didn’t mention the first thing Noah’s daughters did after the flood was to get the old man drunk and have sex with him so they could replenish the human race.

In Sodom and Gomorah Lot offered his daughter to the mob if they would leave his paying visitors alone.

Did Jesus really claim that he was the reincarnation of Elijah? Did he really say, “Ye are all sons and daughters of God”?

I might not have had my conscience at age twelve but by age fourteen it caught up to me in spades. I had become so rotten that I could not stand myself or who I had become. What does it matter if God forgives when you can’t forgive yourself?

I lay in the dark crying and praying to God that I would never lie or steal again in my life. I vowed that I would live in a way that did not go against my conscience. To this day I have remained true to that vow. I may have followed many twisted paths but I’ve always believed in the still small voice of my conscience as the final judge. I’ve always remembered that I have to be able to live with myself or it means nothing.

For the following twenty years my nightly prayer would be,” Dear God, please guide me and strengthen me. Help me to understand the truth. If I am going in the wrong direction please forgive me and let me know so I can make things right.”

The Last Rosicrucian

This area is going to be the rough draft area for my newest book, Astral Sex, Lucid Dreaming, Soulmates & ESP.

That book will not be published online but you can get a good idea about it by keeping up with these posts.

It will be an autobiographical account of some very strange and interesting experiences that I have had over the years.

I will be trying to post at least one new item each week as the book progresses.

Sometimes the World is Strange

I never thought I would be replacing the Federalist Papers with this blog. I also never thought this blog would be public. Now it seems that this blog is going to be about me and my story if anyone is interested. In some ways my story is like anyone else’s and in other ways quite unique.

In light of recent events I might start out with a recurring dream I had as a child. I had the same dream six of seven times over a period of four or five years. It was like a nightmare in a way but not quite. I was an adult driving or directing some large train like machine that resembled a subway train or even a semi-truck cab. All I remember is a seat I was sitting in and a windshield I was looking out of. What ever the machine was, it was long and it was pushing into the earth or more accurately it was coming in from outer space and pushing against a mountain.

There was an intense humming noise and a sense of intolerable pressure like one immovable object pushing against another immovable object. The machine I was in was pushing with immense force against the mountain and the mountain would not budge. I seemed to be locked in the middle of this struggle of wills. I would wake up frightened at the intensity and power of the dream.

I also remember the last time the dream occurred because the front of the machine was being damaged from the force with which it was pushing into the mountain. It was taking damage but incredibly the mountain slowly began to give way at last. That was the last time I had the dream.

I mention this dream because of another dream I had last night or this morning at the autumn equinox. In this dream I was on the top of a mountain of objects of some type. I was driving a farm tractor from my childhood and pulling an old 47 Chevy pickup that was also from my childhood.

This dream was very frightening because I knew I needed to drive the tractor down the steep side of the mountain and get to the bottom. I also was worried about the truck I was pulling. I didn’t want it to tip over.

This was a very vivid dream. I remember using my foot to lock the brake on the tractor to make it go as slow as possible and then went over the edge. The terrain was very rough and I was worried about the two front wheels of the tractor snapping off but they never did. I almost got hung up a few places but turning the wheel kept things going until I was safely at the bottom.

At the bottom I was not only safe but the truck had made it safely as well. I was so happy and relieved that I was crying tears of joy.

The way I interpret dreams makes me believe this dream was very significant. It was obviously a low level etheric dream that included unusual emotions like fear, joy, relief and even tears. It was also an empowering dream because I not only had one vehicle, I had two and one was a tractor.

Astral conflict involves rising on the planes and resolving issues at the highest level. This dream was about me overcoming a mountain of things and arriving safely at the bottom on solid ground.

The dream images of the tractor and 47 Chevy come out of my past and tell me that these issues had their origins in my childhood and have finally been resolved.

That is the link back to the recurring dream of my childhood. All my life I have struggled against a world that did not seem to want me or have a place for me. No matter how hard I tried it seemed like every stone was set against me.

I have always had allies that helped me along the way in times of need but I have never been able to flourish or prosper. My recent life circumstances are the best I have ever had and they are extremely modest.

To make a long story short, I came here to help bring the energy of the new age to the earth and it has resisted all the way. The new age is finally here and my work is done. My recent dream indicates my work is done and perhaps I can find some well earned rest and acceptance.

Like thousands of other light workers around the world our collective task has been to work against incredible resistance and help usher the earth into the new age. The question now becomes what to do when there is no more need to struggle and fight?

Welcome to the Inner Circle

A warm welcome to the Inner Circle of the Order of Anarchistic Knights. This forum is devoted entirely to discussion and fellowship. It’s a good place to ask questions and just bullshit.

It’s not formal and meant to be relaxing and peaceful. The Inner Circle is a doorway and an opportunity. No one knows where it may lead or what might happen here. Because of this interactive quality I do not feel I need to post material here except in response to others or in participation of discussions.

What I’m really saying is that as of 4/15/07 there are no members here to talk with. This is being created in the hopes there will be members at some point in the future. OAK is being restructured into a magickal order with an outer and inner core of information. This is an important weeding out process that is intended to draw only serious people into the Inner Circle. These are people interested in physical membership in the Order of Anarchistic Knights. These are people that belong to my own soul group. We are closer than friends so relax and enjoy this safe haven with others of like mind and spirit.