The Body of Light

After my devastating astral encounter with Crowley and his Book of the Law my point of awareness had been forced across the Great Abyss and all my lower astral bodies had been destroyed. I gratefully moved into this new permanent body of light.

Being in this astral body was strange, interesting and exciting. The strange thing was it felt like being in a human shaped balloon that had no real human features except a humanoid outline. There was a strange dual perception that went along with it. I could sense things from my ordinary point of veiw and sense things from this other point of view as well.

I could go anywhere in this balloon like body, to the ends of the universe, to the end of time, to the beginning of time. This was when I was given the visions of humanities past and future.

Strange things were happening to me and I feared for my sanity as almost thirty years of repressed emotions savagely pushed there way out into awareness.

Alone without friends in a huge city, I walked trying to find peace in my aching soul. I walked past a movie theatre that was playing “Braveheart” and feeling like a whimsical medevial Disney movie would do me good, went inside.

It was not a light fantasy but Jean Claude Vandam in one of the most brutal movies I had ever seen of men fighting for blood sport. I flinched everytime a blow was struck during that movie and two hours later after I got home it happened. I was flooded with the repressed emotions of every time that I had ever been hurt or struck in my life!

I weeped uncontrolably for two hours before all that emotional energy was released. I knew I needed help. I was going to a psychologist and started going to Al-anon meeting three nights a week as well.

It was healing for myself and for the entire group to tell my story. I felt lots of love and support.

Her name was “G”. I met her at the Al-anon group. I knew at once that she was the one that had given birth to my new astral body. There was an intense magnetic connection between us. We talked after group.

I have never in my life met anyone whose mind was so compatable with my own. She was as far out into space as I was but worse because she was floating randomly and helplessly. She was afraid. I brought in the rough draft of my first two duality essays and she read them with relief. The threads of associations helped her gather and focus. She was grateful.

I thought she was my soulmate. I met her three times and she was gone back to chicago. I never saw her again.

Born Again!

God, I was pissed! Nothing was going right. My wife had took the kids and left, our home was in foreclosure, we were going through bankruptcy, and they were closing down our squadron! The stresses were unbearable and there was nothing I could do but endure. I could feel a tight band around my head getting tighter and tighter. A wave of anger washed over me and I felt something “pop” in the middle of my forehead.

Instantly the anger gave way to fear. What had I done now? Something had exploded out of my third eye center and my awareness was still connected to it. I laid down on the sofa and followed in my minds eye as this particle of my soul traveled out into space and through time. Like the pencil of an artist it sketched the outline of the new age of mankind. I saw in wonder that a new humanity would evolve that was insect like. But that would not be this age, that would be the age beyond this one.

This age was the last age of the human race as we knew it. Then we would go the way of the dinosaurs. Then the last three great ages unfolded before my eyes like glourious visions separated by veils of light. Somehow each age was all about a growth and balancing back into pure light like the balancing of an equation. The spark of light that was my awareness traveled back into time and returned to its original photon source.

Then the spark reentered my right testicle and began moving up my leg. I could feel every cell become energized as it moved upward. Was I having a stroke? I didn’t know. I didn’t dare move. I just kept my awareness on the spark as it moved up my side, up my throat, up into my brain and finally out the crown chakra.

I watched in amazement as it once more seemed to move across the universe and then it seemed to enter into another body, a female body or more correctly one half of a female body. My awareness felt as if it were inside a female body. It had entered at the ovary and was moving outward and upward in a similar fashion. I had a weird dual awareness of being in two bodies at the same time.

As the spark left her crown chakra I felt it enter me once more but this time through the crown chakra on my left side. It moved down the left side of my body slowly until it entered the left testacle and vanished once more. In a while I once more felt it enter the same female body but the other half this time and also entering the crown chakra instead of the ovary.

I had the strange sensation of this spark of awareness moving down the left half of her body until it centered on her left ovary and in an intense flash of light I was a baby being pushed from her womb! I was both the new born infant and an observer. The umbilical cord was strong and still there. The new born infant was covered with the blood of the delivery and I felt my awareness enter it. It was my new astral body and I had been born again!

Moving into the Light and Crowley

Moving into the Light was incredible. It was love. It was warm and it was feminine! I loved being there and wanted it more than anything else in the world. Somehow there was a polarity shift in my soul and instead of uniting with God I wanted to unite with Goddess!

At first I could only stay in the light for short periods at a time but later I was able to stay longer and longer until the day came when I permanently moved across into the light. It was a glorious day and I still remember the joy and wonder and bliss. I was certain big things were happening, and they were but not like I expected.

Shortly after permanently moving across the abyss I noticed that there was resistance when I would try moving further into the light. It became like poking your finger into a balloon. As soon as you quit pushing it pushed you back out. At the same time I kept getting insights into my OAK paradigm.

All that Cosmic stuff was pouring down into the mental planes. Like Icharus that flew too close to the sun my wax wings had melted and I was falling!

I became interested in magick rather than mysticism and was introduced to Aleister Crowley for the first time. I had a dream:

“Take this book”, he said. I took the book and opened it.

“This is the Law.” He began to cackle, “If you let go you will die!”

Fear pounded through me and I tried to let go of the book but I couldn’t.

“No!” I cried out in anger and determination and I slammed the book closed. Instantly my astral body was on fire being destroyed from the ground up. There was no place else to go except across the abyss where I took shelter in my body of light. There was nothing left. All that I had was my body of light. The others were destroyed and needed to be rebuilt. I had my light as a source of power and that was it.

I didn’t know what was going on but I figured Crowley did and began reading everything I could find about him. Somehow my “star” needed to be harmonized with his energy. I studied the Golden Dawn and tried contacting the OTO.

I never realized until years later how much grief I had gotten into by creating a non-kabalistic paradigm. People don’t realize why serious occultists believe in Aleister Crowley. It’s not out of choice, it’s out of respect. Serious things happen when you cross him. Now some twenty five years later I’m happy to say that serious things happen when you cross me! Chuckle.

Unrelenting Poverty and Crossing the Great Abyss

We were so  poor that it still hurts to think about it! I was in the military and I still needed part time work on the side to make ends meet. I worked as a security guard weekends when I could and meditated, always meditated. I was getting these wonderful glimpses of truth, illuminations and they seemed so wonderful. I felt they would somehow help us in our daily living but they never did.

I was so consumed in this spiritual compulsion that physical life was not real to me any more and I spent my days like a gollum, a wooden thing with no feelings or desires except to merge into the light. Crowley calls this period living in the city of dust and it certainly was! I felt that I was on the brink of insanity and my intense desire drove me over the edge to the death of the ego.

When I crossed the Great Abyss two things happened. My normal consciousness changed radically to a more cosmic view of things. I was able to see things more clearly than I had ever been able to before and I knew I was way too far out into space. I was a Magister Templi, a Master of Sorrow.

So my life fell apart as it does for all new Magister Templis. My marriage fell apart. I went through bankruptcy, I left the military and went back to Minnesota where I was not able to work for two years and I lost contact with my children.

I sought help. I was obsessed with finding out what was wrong with me and fixing it. I had all this energy in my head and it was slowly moving downward into my repressed emotions. After almost eight years of pent up emotions the dam broke on the day my wife left and took the kids with her.

It was a tragic miracle but emotionally I was twenty years old again. The old wound had opened back up and I was feeling things that I hadn’t felt for twenty years. When we talk about psychotic breaks I never really know what to call this. My OAK secondary personality that I had lived in for so many years reached out and reconnected emotionally to my original personality. It was a healing process, not a damaging one.

I was feeling things and feeling them with a vengence. My connection to Source or the Photon level was bringing vast amounts of new age energy into me and stirring things up. I was being forced to deal with things that were going on inside and barely able to function in the outside world.

My psychologist said my ego was very stable but very plastic because it was changing so rapidly. I began working with the OAK energy ball meditation deliberately trying to bring up trapped emotional energy and releasing it out the crown chakra.

Magnum Life Stresses

Back in Minnesota it was about three months before I heard from her again and of course she was pregnant and wondering what to do. It seemed that there really was nothing to do except get married and that’s what we did.

Now there are mag trauma experiences in life that are so unsettling it takes about seven years to really get over them. I can list some of them, death of a loved one, job loss, new job, moving to a new location. getting married and the birth of a child. Well, no one died but all the rest of them hit both of us hard!

Without health insurance I opted to join the Air Force so we could have needed medical care when we needed it. I was actually in basic training when my first child was born back in Kansas. I got stationed in Phoenix Arizona and believe it or not spent two entire four year enlistments there!

This did not go over very well with her family because her father was a Mennonite minister! yeah, I had landed a preacher’s daughter!

Like most military enlistees I was dirt broke and we had a hard time of it in the big city. There were a few advantages though. There was actually a Rosicrucian Lodge and for the first time I met other Rosicrucians, went to meetings and was given initiations.

The same held true for an affliliate group, the Traditional Martinist Order. I was greatly encouraged in my spiritual pursuits. A strange dynamic of married life helped as well. Somehow the energy dynamic between my wife and I forced her to be the emotional one and forced me to stay in my head. When she got mad I would retreat into my head and she would get even more mad because I would not engage with her.

I like to think that we did learn to love each other in our own ways but it was hard. We were both damaged people with issues and in a hard spot.

In all fairness she believed in me and in my potential. I had great plans and talked a good talk but never seemed to be able to get anywhere. I let her down. Then the twins came!

The Stars and the Moon

“She walked past me from behind and touched my tailbone. I felt an electric spark at her touch and then she was gone.” I woke up. This dream or a variant of it continued to haunt me for the next twenty years. Each year I would have at least one dream contact with my old love, the sexual vampire. After seven years I thought I was over her and was ready to try again. Not a soulmate though. This time I convinced myself that everyone was a soulmate and I should be able to love anyone.

My interests picked up astrology and I grew proficient at casting my own chart and studying it. In those days there were no computers to do the calculations. You had to do them yourself out of the ephemeris. Fascinated I decided to try professional horoscope readings and advertised in Mother Earth News.

I also had the crazy idea that I could take the charts of people and compare them to find out how compatable they were. Part of the idea was that maybe I could find someone as well.

My first and only professional chart reading wrote back. I had promised a forty page handwritten report for $60. It was a mess! Of course this person wanted to now about love relationships and his chart seemed almost cursed. I have never seen a chart that looked so challenged in the relationship area. Doing his chart was creepy. It was too personal and to deep. It was like I was looking into his soul and I didn’t want to do  it. I did a rush 30 page report and sent half his money back.

There was only one other response to my ad and it was a girl. We corresponded together for almost a year and I soon convinced myself that we were astrologically compatable and that I was in love. I started getting my things together for a trip to Kansas. I was giving up on the astrology gig and going to do personalized self-hypnosis tapes just like Dick Sutphen.

My first letter to her resulted in a strange dream where I entered an extremly small astral world or room/living space. This type of dream has repeated over the years until I believe females create small astral nests or homes. Males do not have this ability. I found this one very small and confining. I should have known better. Travelling in the astral I had entered her space through the magickal link of my letter.

Landing in Kansas I found a cockroach infested room to rent with a broken window next to a railroad track. I still remember waking up in the night with the walls shaking and the train whistle blowing and the cockroaches running over the bed.

When I first saw my new love she didn’t look anything like her picture and I found her unattractive. That didn’t stop me of course and at the age of 26 I was no longer a virgin. Her parents were gone on vacation and we spent two weeks at her home and when I went back to Minnesota I had no intention of returning or ever seeing her again. The self-hypnosis bussiness was not working out.

UFO’s and The Threat of Nuclear Holocaust

The eighty’s were the Reagan years and the fear of nuclear holocaust was almost palpable. Many sensitive and psychic people could sense just how close we were to global war and meditated every day for world peace. I was a college student in Germany in 1980 when Reagan got shot. It is a strange feeling to be in a foreign country during an attempted assasination.

It is so easy to take our country for granted and complain about things. We have so much more than other countries do that it is not funny. Freedom of speech is taken for granted but in Germany some things were not talked about openly. I was so impressed and proud to be an American that I later enlisted in the Air Force.

I was in Germany for six months and it was a soul healing experience that I still remember vividly and fondly. It was as if I had come home and my soul and spirit resonated with the people I met there. I had never in my life felt such warmth and attraction or made so many friends. I was not to realize until several years later that my immediate past life was as a German writer that died in 1943. At times I think everyone needs to travel back to the location of past lifetimes to pick up things that they left behind.

I kept up my Rosicrucian studies even in Germany and had them sent to me. I meditated and watched the swimmers in the Danube river on warm spring days. I even got a part time job in a language school teaching English without a visa for a little spending money.

I neglected my studies and went “native”. I was told that the local knew I was not German but thought I might be Austrian or Swiss. I hung out in the bars and socialized. At the end of the six months I knew more German and more about being German than anyone else in my class but my grades didn’t show it.

I had a friend named Gunther that owned a one man printing shop and I would help him at times. One day the class was going to visit the Audi plant. I couldn’t go because Gunther needed some help printing soccer tickets on a Gutemburg press.

After we got done he said, “Let’s go to the Audi plant. They have a copy machine that I’m thinking of buying.”

I put on my blue work smock and we went to the Audi plant and checked in with security. Gunther bought the copy machine and then we walked around to check out the other areas of the plant. We met some engineers from our hotel and stopped to drink beer with them. Workers were allowed to drink beer at the assembly line. Gunther and I were sitting there drinking beer in our smocks when the mayor and our class tour went by. You should have seen the faces of my class mates! I have hundreds of stories like that of my time in Germany.

Back in America I determined to be self-employed as a hypnotherapist. I received the hypnosis training seminar from Dick Sutphen and was fascinated with NLP (Neuro Linguistics Programing). I read everything I could get my hands on.

Metaphysically I was on a roll as well. After burning out the lightweight channels like Ruth Montgomery and Edgar Cayce I went on to the hard core stuff like Jane Roberts-The Seth Material and CAC-Cosmic Awareness Communications. UFO literature is mostly channeled as well and I became familiar with the “RA Material” and others. My mind was expanding to include these alternate realities and it was becoming harder to tell what was real and what was not real.

 

Spiritual Masters and Sexual Vampires

 

I slowly opened my eyes and looked at the lit candle on the table in front of me. From time to time the Rosicrucian monographs had self-initiations and I had just completed one. There was an intense feeling of spiritual energy and light in the room and my eyes were drawn to the left toward the living room.

Halfway between the living room and where I was sitting in the dining room a Master had appeared and was sitting cross legged floating in mid air silently. His aura was very powerful and I felt the approval of a job well done. I kept my eyes on the apparition and slowly walked completely around it. It remained as it was, a hologram image to be viewed from all sides. This image lasted over one half hour before fading away. It never moved or spoke but I could sense the message I was being given.

In the years to come I had other visits from this Master and the entire Hierarchy as well. These visitations stopped after I reached the higher degrees. In retrospect the Master appeared when I needed an external authority. My psychic ability grew weaker in those years of Rosicrucian study because I was seeking outwardly and not inwardly. As I grew in greater contact with the Master Within these contacts became less important. A valid mystery school will help the student connect to their own Master Within. After that happens they step aside as they should. I was on my own.

While my spiritual life was unfolding in dramatic ways my romantic life was not. I could not get over my old girl friend and my spirit was dying. Nothing mattered anymore. It was seven years before I was able to move on. Every few months I would have some type of sexual dream with her in it. Toward the last they were not sexual but relating to sexual or low level energies. I remember a dream in which she walked past me and touched me on the tailbone. There was a strong tingling sensation and energy exchange.

I went to Germany as a college exchange student in 1980 and found healing. I was there for six months and it was one of the high points of my life. It felt like I had come home. At last I felt like I was able to move on with my life. I didn’t realize at the time that I was connecting with a past life I had lived in Nazi Germany. All I knew was that I was greatly empowered and supported. In Germany I was loved and felt like I belonged. I forgot about my old girlfriend.

Years have passed and time has given me a new perspective on things. This girl was a sexual predator and energy vampire. I had suffered from a nervous breakdown and was vulnerable. I had abandoned the sexual and emotional part of my being and she had tapped into it. For the next twenty five years this vampire was draining sexual energy away from me through that connection that had formed when we dated. Even after I no longer dreamed of her she continued to drain energy from me. This is how astral connections work. This connection made any efforts at sexual relationships with other females very difficult. I didn’t send out sexual vibes because I didn’t have any to spare. I was mostly a head tripper.

After twenty five years of personal empowerment I was working my way back down into those energies and began reclaiming them. I became aware of that old connection as a form of psychic attack and severed the connection. Two days later she was in a serious car accident. That is what astral backlash can do. I have no sympathy. Twenty five years is a long time to be drained by an energy vampire. I shudder to think of how many others are experiencing similar attachments and being drained of their vitality. Such a connection once made will stay in place until it is broken.

Crisis and New Beginnings

I tried to walk the faith my parents taught me. I became a Sunday School teacher shortly after I graduated from High School. I was well liked and trusted but inwardly I had my own doubts and they became strong enough that I quit teaching Sunday School. I knew what was expected of me and I simply didn’t believe that way any more. I had a more “symbolic” and “mystical” interpretation of religious matters than ever before.

I was going to Vo-Tech school to be an electrician and doing all the right things that I had been taught. Bolstered by my success I once more asked my girl friend out and was overjoyed when she accepted. We dated perhaps a month and a half. Talk about sparks! I was overwhelmed by the emotions and sexuality that I was experiencing. She was experiencing it too.

In hindsight I remember one visit after we had again broken up. I was talking to her and telling her how I was feeling. Suddenly her eyes seemed to glaze over, her voice became very husky and as if in a trance she moved toward me to embrace me. The sexuality was electric and terrifying. Like a coward I moved away. The moment was broken and never repeated.

I was getting mixed signals. She wanted me and she didn’t want me. I was giving mixed signals, I wanted her and wouldn’t take her. It was confusing and devastating. Anguished and torn I resolved to find out why she refused to see my any more.

I knew it must be something about myself that was not acceptable and without remorse I tore my soul apart examining each part with a microscope. Is this why she didn’t love me? Is this why? As I examined each part of myself I came to accept it. In time I was able to realize that it was not me. She was simply not ready or able to handle the energies and emotional storm that we created when we were together. Things were too intense and she wanted out.

Out of this difficult period I learned the most important lesson in my life about relationships. No matter how much one person wants a relationship it takes two people. If the other person doesn’t want it then it won’t happen.

At the same time my parents were in a crisis of their own with their marriage. Things were falling apart everywhere around me and there was no stability. The cognitive dissonance between the faith of my parents and the new ideas taught in the Rosicrucian monographs was even more painful and I could feel myself starting to split. It was a battle for my soul and I knew what I needed to do but I could not make myself do it.

These three areas of life collapsed at the same time. I remember lying on the floor of the den staring up at the ceiling with the stereo blaring as I tried to lose myself in it. I was paralyzed and couldn’t move. I remained that way for three hours before something snapped inside and I was free.

I should say a part of me was free because I just had a nervous breakdown. I lost my emotional self that night. It refused to age with the rest of me until I was able to reconnect to it some twenty years later. The part of me that moved forward was both a magickal personality and a secondary personality.

Modern psychology does not realize the development of a magickal or secondary personality can be a positive thing. Magickal training has always taught this technique. My new personality was committed to union with God, the mystical path and the truth taught by the Rosicrucian Order AMORC. Led by subconcious guidance I determined that if I didn’t know what was true and right I would try to believe all things and follow the voice of my conscience and the Master Within.. Unknown to me I had stumbled upon one of the most important tenants of chaos theory, “ALL INPUTS ARE VALID”.

Puppy Love and the Rosicrucians

I fell in love in my senior year and dated briefly. It did not last long and I thought I understood why. She was such an angel and I was such a fraud. My self esteem was almost non-existent and I knew I did not deserve someone like her. It was hard but I accepted it and thought that someday I might grow enough to become worthy of someone like her.

At the age of eighteen I joined the Rosicrucian Order AMORC in what was to become one of the most fateful and important decisions of my life. I began receiving weekly monographs of study material and my world exploded as I was exposed to new and frightening ideas for the first time.

Many of these were frightening and at odds with my own religious background. Some of these concepts included the idea that the bible was a symbolic work meant to be taken symbolically and not literally. Another was that the Christ Spirit resided within everyone and spoke through the still small voice of my conscience. They called it “The Master Within”.

I was to defer all things not to external authority but to the “Master Within” that resided in my own heart and would guide me if I would listen.

If that was not enough they also introduced me to the concept of reincarnation and of how we have lived many lifetimes before this one.

I pondered these things in my heart and they sounded true. Gradually as the monographs progressed the cognitive dissonance increased. I was torn between the religion I had been taught and this new spiritual and mystical path that drew me so powerfully.

Mentally things were happening as well and I remember the time when my entire thinking ability and thought processes outgrew my old abilities. It was as if everything in my mind was shrunk onto microfiche. I began thinking in images instead of words and became capable of much more complex concepts. My awareness moved out of the old crowded building that had become too small and moved into one that was frighteningly large and empty. Mentally I was operating in new space.